Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Thank you

Wishing you all a very Happy New year

I would like to sincerely thank everyone for your comments, they were very comforting.

I returned home late Sunday night, it was so very difficult to leave, but it is nice to be in my own environment again, also to be able to feel a little warm sunshine on my face.

I didn´t have a device to be able to do a post, I also didn´t think it appropriate given the time of year.

We were told to arrive 10.30 Monday morning but unfortunately treatment couldn´t start until 4pm as the room was being used. Rebecca and I went to find some lunch which was surprisingly good from the cafe. We were getting more and more anxious as the hours drifted passed.
We were shown into a special en suite with double bed and sofa, Oh goodness was the sofa hard though, with coffee machine, kettle and all the necessary items to make drinks and a little fridge for our sarnies etc. Although in fact Antoni was catered for with meals as well as Rebecca.

Rebecca and Antoni´s Angel baby Rose Elizabeth was born 18th December after 14 hours labour.
So tiny, so beautiful
I was honoured and given the privilege of cutting the cord
(Antoni didn´t want to)
At least I was able to be there to rub, hold hands and forehead when the morphine caused sickness and give comfort and of course blessed to be there for Roses´birth.

Antoni!? well bless it was all too much and he slept for over 4 hours next to Rebecca whilst she did what us women do! He did wake up in time for the birth though and for someone who said he wasn´t going to be there for that bit did very well.

I cannot praise enough the gentleness, caring, thoughtfulness and compassionate care that the nursing staff and everyone afforted us.
Nothing was too much trouble, and we were all left to be able to hold and cuddle Rose for as long as we wanted and were encouraged to take as many photos as we could and with a phone call were able to arrange other visits whenever we wanted.

Rose was dressed in a sort of tiny shroud and the teeny hat I had managed to knit, she was also wrapped in one of the blankets I had made and gifted to Rebecca in November.
They were presented with a beautiful memory box containing amongst other things, a Guardian Angel keyring, a beautiful candle in a silk bag, two little teddies, one for Rose and the other Rebecca. There was also a special kit for taking tiny hand and foot prints and the midwife was so so gentle making sure she got it right.
They took photographs too and arranged for the Chaplain to come and conduct a naming ceremony.
Although Rebecca was given the all clear for discharge, we were not rushed and stayed for many hours holding and cuddling. I stepped out quite a few times to give them the space and privicy to be with their daughter.

Having to leave the hospital with empty arms was devastating made even more difficult knowing we then had to go to the funeral directors to arrange things, with the holiday period this was quite tricky.

We chose the Co-op as they were very accommodating, helpful and could offer better times to allow people to travel. To our amazement we were told everything was for free, the only charge was for the Order of Service. We were offered the 10th Jan but Rebecca said no can´t wait that long and managed to get the 3rd Jan. Again they did everything in their power to make this as easy as they could with the Chapel of rest offered when ever you needed.
Rebecca had ordered some story books so she could read to Rose
How much I love you, The Snowman and The Owl who was afraid of the dark
She sat very serene, cuddling Rose quietly reading to her every time we visited.
It was very moving to see, but also very hard to keep a lid on my emotions so I could be there for her.

Amongst all this of course they had only moved house the previous Friday so we were living in boxville! Rushing from the flat loaded up back to the house. Glad I was there to help as Rebecca was told not to do very much!! Ha, I tried telling her! but we managed to get some sort of order amongst it all, especially as they planned to have people back after the funeral.

The day dawned and we visited Rose for the last time, you have heard of the expression ´cried buckets´ well I think we filled several with Rebecca having to be firmly lead away by Antoni

We were collected from the house in the limo with Rose on the first row of seats.
Daniel, Shine and the girls made the journey from Exeter with 10 mins to spare, squeaky!
Unfortunately, even though they had caused no small amount of selfish stress, Antoni´s family, travelling from Nottingham, decided at the very last minute they were not attending.
Well if you could see my tongue it still has the grooves in it where I had clamped it firmly between my teeth!!
The chapel was quite small seating up to 40 people, it was warm cosy and quite welcoming, as opposed to the cold stiff places I have attended before.
Rebecca and Antoni carried Rose in, a tiny pink coffin, which was set upon a large cushion.
The service had been very carefully thought out with the celebrant and was very moving, beautiful and totally in keeping with a tiny Rose.
The flowers were kept to a minimum but they were fresh, vibrant and a beautiful mix, including of course roses.
Daisy, Antoni´s sister sang her own beautiful version of Fly by Celine Dion, they were heart touching poems, I read (just!) our family prayer and we listened to A Mother´s prayer again Celine and music during reflection.
I don´t know how she did it but Rebecca went over to Rose and read her the story of How much I love you, not a dry eye to be seen.
There was a collection after wards for the Willow Charity, they have a support group for families to share and provide the memory boxes etc.

After the service we went out to the Flower garden and Rebecca and Antoni, after a short poem, released a balloon each and we watched as they danced around each other, drifting higher into the sky, until out of sight
Fly high little Angel Rose fly.

Time is needed to reflect and heal and whilst all the cliches are old they are still true.
Thank you again for your thoughts
Take care


  1. Oh Chrissie, so heartbreaking, something we all pray we'll never have to go through, but it sounds as though Rebecca coped wonderfully well, she's a superb mummy, something which can't be taught, it's just there. Sending hugs to you all xx

    1. Thank you for the hugs, Rebecca has been very strong, she was somewhat apprehensive about being a good Mummy, but has shown, as you say, the natural instincts which were wonderful to watch. xcx

  2. Oh Chrissie i dont know what to say i wish i could give you all a hug,fighting back the tears here.
    I wish i could take the hurt away from you all,we lost a 2 yr old daughter so i understand your heartache and your daughter was very brave,god bless you all my friend xx

    1. Such kind words, thank you. I am so sorry you have lost a daughter too. It´s all very hard xcx

  3. Oh my word, such courage from you all. I haven't been following long but wish to send you and your family much love and kind thoughts. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you all.

    1. Hello there, thank you for popping in and for your kind thoughts. xcx

  4. Oh my dear Chrissie words fail me but my tears do not …
    I'm reaching out with a big hug to you all.

    It really does sound as though everyone has been so helpful and compassionate. Rebecca, Antoni, you, and all the family have coped so well and been remarkably strong.

    Yes, time is needed to reflect and heal and I just know you will come through.

    My thoughts and very good wishes are extended to you all.

    All the best Jan

    1. Aww thank you, love hugs, they make everyone feel so much better. Rebecca is feeling better health wise, just the emotional side to deal with xcx

  5. Oh Chrissie, what a hard time for you all and so beautifully done.... I'm not good at holding back tears reading it and I feel heartsore for all of you..... much loved little girl and much thoughts for you all...xx

    1. Bless you, Rebecca is returning to work next week in a bid to begin the ´new normal´ It will be hard for her returning to her clients and of course front line retail, but she is on the right track. xcx